She Shares – Patience Story

I never would have imagined writing and sharing my story

There was a time in my life that I never would have imagined writing and sharing my story being on the other side of depression, a poor self image and a rejection mentality. For many of my teenage years leading into my adult years I was miserable. The type of person you would want to avoid because they are always so negative about life and themselves. Like a broken record I would continue to belittle myself and speak bad about who I believed myself to be which was not true.   The lies were my reality and I could not see past them, I didn’t see anything good coming out from me. I thought that my life would be the way it was forever. I probably am sounding mellow dramatic to the ordinary person that has never experienced a depressive episode but it would really feel like there was no way out. When I was younger my days would consist of laying down in the dark for days on end only coming out of the room if I needed the toilet or to go and buy junk food to binge on. I was a recluse and I didn’t want to interact with others out of the fear of being judged or rejected. The thought of social situations made me shudder with fear. If I needed to go into a public space I had already preconceived ideas of what it would be like which put me off even more.

depression was not who I was, I was destined for greater

My time at university was one of the hardest times of my life as I was in a deep depressive state through most of my second year and some of my final year. It made it difficult for me to function and focus on my degree. I believe that if I was in a better frame of mind and believed that I was able I would have done much better. During my second year of university I was diagnosed with moderate depression and offered medication that I refused to take. I wasn’t very educated surrounding medication and its benefits or its possible side effects. All knew was the negative stigma surrounding it. Instead I opted for therapy from a counsellor supplied through the university. It helped to talk at the time, and it was through the counselling that I learnt to share what I was going through with those I felt I could trust.  Although talking about things eased the pain for a period it was dealing with the silence and being alone with my thoughts that I struggled with. I felt like I had no control of the thoughts that raced through my mind continuously.

I had to distance myself from my circumstances and refocus my mind on positive things such as what I could become

It was a long journey to experiencing freedom; I overcame and faced my demons one step at a time. My journey to freedom began by realising that depression was not who I was, I was destined for greater. I had to come out of the mindset that my current state was all I would amount to. I had to distance myself from my circumstances and refocus my mind on positive things such as what I could become.  I had to come to terms with the point at which the depression began, for me it was a traumatic experience when I was younger. I couldn’t acknowledge the significance and effect of the event as it was in my subconscious, it didn’t seem real to me. Once I accepted that it had happened I was able to begin the healing process. I went through a period of blaming myself, to blaming others to being able to forgive. Although it was a long process, almost 4 years I went from playing the victim (there comes a time that it won’t suffice anymore) to becoming the victor that I have always been. I had to decide whether I would let the enemy defeat me and continue living oppressed or whether I wanted to live life freely.

if others could smile having gone through the fire, why couldn’t I

I realised that I wasn’t the only one to have gone through this and there are others who have gone through worse and still smiling. That really motivated me to come out of the depressive mode, if others could smile having gone through the fire, why couldn’t I. It was at that point that I realised that I was deserving of life, I deserved to live. The journey wasn’t easy and I fell time and time again but to know the progress I had made already, gave me hope and picked me back up.  Having a network of friends that I knew genuinely cared for me and wanted the best for me helped me at times when I couldn’t encourage myself. I also had to learn how to do it alone because these people couldn’t be there for me 24 7. I was getting older and I needed to mature, it was hard and painful at times but it needed to happen in order for me to grow.

I have been purposed on the earth

With my faith and a comforter found in Jesus I honestly don’t think I would be here today to tell the story. I know that even in my darkest hours I was not alone, God never left me.  Those dark and gloomy nights turned into tolerable brighter days giving me glimmers of hope occasionally. Jesus gave me hope; his word put a flicker in my heart. Where there is hope there is life. As long as I was breathing I knew there was a chance I would survive this battle and come out winning.  In hindsight I wouldn’t change my journey for anything as now it’s clear what I have been purposed on the earth to do. I get to share my story and encourage other young ladies who may be going through what I’ve been through and that is nothing short of an honour and a blessing.  There is ‘Freedom In Your Transparency’!

With Love, from

Patience Duke

#depression #sheshares #realstories